Honesty

     I like to think that I pride myself on my honesty. I have been given jobs in the past because I was really upfront and honest in interviews about my experience (or lack of), and the interviewers were so surprised and delighted by my honesty they gave me the job anyway. I like to think that I am open and honest with people when they ask me how I am; I don't easily fall into that "I'm fine, thank you" mode unless I really genuinely am fine. I like to think that I can give a straight answer, speak up when I agree/disagree (the situation considered, of course). I like to think that I am always completely honest with my husband, friends and family, and I know it's ok to be honest about my flaws, faults and problems - I don't have to have it together all the time. But you see, there's a big problem with this view I've had of myself...

     Really, honestly.... It's all a BIG FAT lie! How can I be completely honest with those around me, and completely honest with my God, when I am rarely honest with myself. I kid myself a lot that I have it all together, that I'm doing well, that I am making huge progress, that I'm trying my hardest all the time, that I have a clue what I'm supposed to be doing and how I'm supposed to be living this life. Please don't get me wrong, this all sounds very much like I'm depressed and not seeing any of the good in my life. That is completely not the case and right now as a stage of my life I am loving it and have incredible amounts to be thankful for. These are exciting times we're in and I feel hugely privileged to be a part of them. What I am struggling with is making any progress in my walk and relationship with God (which I am SO aware is the most important thing I could ever do in my life!!), and I know that it is really only myself that is standing in the way! I feel hugely challenged to step up my efforts and understanding. I think my default response to this challenge in the past has been to panic, to let myself be overwhelmed by the enormity of what needs to be done. I really feel that unless I start to change the way I think and feel about myself, and learn to be truly real and honest about where I am at, then progress won't be made. 

     So this is me being honest. This week has been really, really tough, I'm feeling a little lost and I can feel that default panic setting creeping in at the corners. At the risk of babbling, not making sense and covering a very wide array of subjects/dilemmas I want to share a specific bit of what is banging around in my head. If by the end I have confused you so much that you don't know where to begin with answering wisdom then that's ok. Maybe just by writing it down I will be helping myself to see the way more clearly.

     I know that God loves me, that he made me with unique gifts and that he wants to work his purposes out in my life - what an honour! I also know that he wants the best of me, is jealous over me and when he says 'Put ME first', he couldn't be more serious. But how on earth do I handle that when it feels like I fail miserably at every attempt!? I guess that's what Grace is all about right? But how am I supposed to balance the fact that I am human and I will always mess up, with the urgency I feel to really do better!? How do I not let this balancing act end in guilt?

I can honestly say right now that I want to want to love God with everything in me and want to feel that hunger for his word and his presence above all! But I feel stuck at how to do that. On monday in amongst all the amazing testimonies there were from the Sunday services the day before, I just felt annoyed and frustrated about how little I had felt God. Whilst rejoicing with all these people over their incredible breakthroughs I couldn't help feeling hurt and confused whilst reading their stories. (To the people who shared those stories - you have done absolutely nothing wrong obviously. This is my issue, sorry :S).

"The Spirit of God whets our appetite by giving us a taste of what's ahead. He puts a little of heaven in our hearts so that we'll never settle for less." - 2 Corinthians 5 v 5 (MESSAGE)

This is the verse that most stuck with me from sunday morning's talk. I want that to happen, I want that taste, I want God to give me that little bit that will start my hunger for him!!! I want this more than I have ever wanted anything! And yet, standing there on sunday evening, I poured out my heart to God, I tried to offer up every possible thing that could be standing in the way of me feeling his presence, every issue and mindset. I tried to 'press in' like people are always saying you need to. I cried, got angry with distracting thoughts. I tried waiting in silence listening, tried singing till I lost my voice, tried praying in tongues and english. It was happening to people all around me. I have absolutely no doubt that God was in that place. And still I felt nothing. The words and visions people were receiving felt perfect for me, especially with the emphasis on musicians and songwriters and yet I felt I missed out. 

I know that there are no formulas for having a relationship with God, for feeling his presence. I know it feels different for everyone and that God has his own perfect timing and can always see the bigger picture. But right now I am a bit despairing as to what I was and am doing wrong. Surely God could see how much I wanted it!?

So right now I'm waiting. Waiting for God to show up, and i'm guessing it may be in a way that really surprises me, I don't really know! But what I am happier than ever to admit is that I have absolutely no idea how this works, how life with God works. But I trust that he does and I'm determined to fight my frustration and confusion and stand in hope and faith that God will show up!

And that.... is me being honest.

Things to be Thankful For...

• 4 months of Married Awesomeness!!!
• My live-in husband back-scratcher = Bliss, actual bliss! :P
• Cold autumn mornings, with fog and white breath and sunshine all at the same time!
• Friends having babies - Baby Bella born yesterday and Baby Eden will be born next week hopefully! Beautiful, very excited for them :)
• Time to do a Jigsaw puzzle with friends who are waiting for the imminent arrival of said baby Eden.
• My first ever bunch of flowers from my husband! :D Don't worry though he is romantic in lots of other non-traditional ways :)
• Being able to make the most of last completely free saturday (maybe till christmas), with Mr V! What started with a lie-in became a lovely lazy day complete with Fry-up, PJs, Xbox, lots of laughter, some Alias, and lots and lots of hugs! :D
• A very successful first proper lesson at NGM on thursday, I felt like a proper teacher and everything! 
• Amazingly after pulling a muscle in my back last weekend and having a VERY painful week beginning, miraculously the pain had completely gone by tuesday lunchtime and I have had a brilliant and productive week despite the setback. Thanks for the prayers!
• Constantly finding more in our Bank Account than we estimated having in there.
• Having a fantastically talented Mum who is making me a new winter coat for this year! After having bought her the fabric and buttons, she will still be saving me at least £30, and I get a well-made, designer, original Coat that will last years longer than one from the highstreet! Genius!
• I got to go to the Cinema twice this week. Once for free, thanks to Nannying :)
• After weeks and weeks of my designing, our Wedding Photo Book has finally been printed and is stunning if I do say so myself!
• Being able to hold off turning on the heating that little bit longer due to sharing a bed! 
• Having travel expenses paid for work that effectively covers ALL of our weekly petrol costs as they pay 40p a mile (about double what it actually costs)! TYJ!
• The exciting weekends planned ahead!

This Week...

I have been lesson planning... because tomorrow I start teaching!

God is amazingly good at opening unexpected doors but he also has a great sense of humour because, classroom teaching..... I have always told everyone adamantly I would never do (especially my mum, who is a teacher)!

But now every thursday I am teaching Music Theory and Songwriting to a class of approximately thirteen 18-25yr olds. (This means that some of them could be older than me :S weird!)

It's all quite daunting but really trying to remember the big picture of how awesome this actually is! Having been on their mailing list for years, seeing their shows, following their bands at Soul Survivor and the like, I am now teaching for NGM (New Generation Music) - an awesome Christian Charity {here}. This is BIG!! And it keeps hitting me what a potentially massive door this is for me!
In their own words...

"New Generation Music is a vibrant community of artists who are passionate about art and life.

Filled with creativity, ngm produce music, artists, dancers, musicians, unique artist training courses, innovative conferences, and much more. As artisans they seek to bring beauty, excellence, and influence through all they do. They help to transform people and communities through their creativity all infused with their Christian faith and values." 

Cool huh!? So excited, a tad nervous and expecting to learn from this experience as much I teach, is how I will go tomorrow. Let's see where this road leads... if you're of the praying kind, then please pray :)

Image found {here}

Things I am Thankful For...

Original found {here}, also found {here}

• Slowly, but surely getting excited about song writing again! Feeling inspired and excited about ideas and potential collaborations.
• Pinterest! If you don't know what this is then check out my page {here}. Pinterest has seriously helped inspire me this week and I have a new lyric notebook starting to fill up :D
• Hugs that literally physically prevent you from breathing and all the words and feelings conveyed in those few breath-taking moments.
• A taste of heaven whilst at Church last night - AMAZING, beautiful, stunning, tear-bringing, life-bringing, eye-opening, hope-breathing, reality-checking, flaming AWESOME Worship moment! There is nothing better, not one thing, than being in HIS presence! Need to remember that!
• Once again for Mike, who I saw cry (good tears) last night for only the second time. What an amazing evening! So incredibly thankful to be on this journey with you, what an adventure and what a JOY!
• Finding my voice again... thanks to a fantastic new music find, I have been singing all week. And strangely enough, for a singer, that hasn't been very common of me in recent years - ask anyone. Audrey Assad - 'The House You're Building' = AMAZING album! It's hard to pick one song to share with you but here goes...

Things to be Thankful for... During the Lows!

For me it's been a week of both very positive/exciting highs and very confusing lows.
But in the lows I know that speaking out truth, joy, light and his promises over my situation is the best thing to do so I am really trying to remember and hold on to my many, many reasons to be thankful! For there really are, so many, amazing reasons!!

I'm Overwhelmingly Thankful for...

• Music and its power to inspire, encourage, heal, motivate, create atmosphere, bring freedom, bring laughter, bring tears, break down barriers, surprise, comfort and create a cry in me of either complete joy or complete surrender of emotions.
• The very exciting songs coming out of Freedom Bath & Bristol, the plans for our upcoming album, our passion as a team to reveal the heart of our church, the heart of its people - to the glory of GOD!
• I love playing with Lego, playing sporty games on the Wii, searching for conkers and know enough about Rugby and the like to hold a conversation - all very useful when you look after an 7 year old boy 3 times a week!
• This amazing book  'Living With a Creative Mind' by the brilliant Jeff & Julie Crabtree - I have a signed copy as of this week - before it's even published! Hopefully it's going to help me understand myself a little better :D (I must say - so far it's very good!)
• That I have a start date for my new job with NGM! (New Generation Music and Mission) On the 20th October I start as a Volunteer Music Teacher - teaching music theory, songwriting and vocal workshops - one day a week, for this amazing Christian Charity!  It's going to be a steep learning curve I'm sure but a very exciting opening door!
• Lots of people requesting my Singing Teaching services!
• Being born for such a time as this!
• However low I get, or how confusing life is, or how much I doubt myself, or doubt my abilities, or however much I'm overwhelmed by the task ahead - I know that HE is FAITHFUL, HE KNOWS ME more than I could ever know myself, HE will NEVER LEAVE ME, HE LOVES ME UNCONDITIONALLY! In short.... - Every little thing is going to be alright! (Makes me want to sing a song - thanks to Delirious! lol!)

Thankful For...

• The FACT that HIS Love never fails, never gives up and never runs out on me!
• Morning sunshine after a couple of days of rain
• My Husband who still thinks I'm lovely when I'm so sure I'm not
• Having so much singing to do I'm actually losing my voice (need to get training again!)
• For being woken daily with a hug
• Time to pray whilst walking in the sunshine :) After a couple of weeks of distance and confusion it was great to connect again.
• For someone whose only technically 'employed' 9 hours a week - I am feeling really busy!
• Female friend time playing Lego Star Wars on the Xbox! Yes you read that right lol! Jess - we shall do it again! :D
• We looked after our friends 9month old last night and he/we survived! He didn't even cry - in 3 hours! Thank you God! :D Also turns out he loves the camera. Blog, meet William...

(NB Just because I realise how a post about babies looks like straight after a post about my wedding... don't even go there lol! Not me, we're not at all broody! We just have lots of friends with very cute babies! Absolutely no need to currently 'watch this space' :P)

The last 50 days...

Well - hello there!
It has been 50 days since my last blog post - terrible I know!
However... In the last 50 days I have -

• Finished organising a wedding
• Moved house
• Got MARRIED
• Been on honeymoon
• Officially become self-employed (musician/singing teacher)
• Started a nannying job
• Purchased and put up lots of flat pack furniture
• Turned an empty flat into a home
• Settled into married life

So apologies for the lack of blogging but I've been rather busy as you can see :)

All in all the last 50 days have been Life-Changing, the end of lots of things and beginning of many more. I have lots of photos to share with you starting right back with my Hen Do in May and then covering the Wedding, the Honeymoon and the Flat! Can't wait to share it all with you, though we've got a couple more weeks to wait before we get the official wedding photos so here is just a sneak peak to start with :)

On the 25th June 2011, Mike and I had the most perfect day ever! Definitely the best wedding I've ever been too! Though I may be slightly biased of course :P
The day was absolutely filled to the brim with joy and laughter, friendship and family - exactly how we wanted. The wedding service was amazing with a church packed full of people praising God, fantastic music, brilliant words and prayers from our friends and pastors. At the reception, the food was yummy, the atmosphere buzzing, the music once again fantastic and the dancing thoroughly enjoyed.
Thank you so much to all of you that came to our big day, those of you who helped out in various ways. All your encouragement, support, words of wisdom, prayers and gifts were a huge blessing to us! For those of you who couldn't make it, we missed you and really hope to see you soon!

I will do a bigger blog post about this soon but to some things up so far...
I LOVE being married to Mike, living with my best friend and seeing him every day is BRILLIANT! It's no cliche or lie that your wedding day is one of, if not the best day of your life. Ours certainly was! This is the best decision I've ever made, I will never take it back, this is where we're supposed to be. It's going to be an adventure, sometimes a big challenge but always a joy and I will throw all I can give into this. With God in the centre - this will be AMAZING! :D

Mike - my husband! :D I love you, always!

365 Days Ago.....

368 days ago....
.... Two months worth of 'getting to know you' conversation, connection finding, a couple of sort of official dates. An amazing day trip together, ending with us finally talking about 'US' and realising that decisions needed to be made.
366 days ago....
.... Was the end of a weekend of decision making for both of us. I had made my decision and had a peace and joy about that decision like I'd never before felt.
365 days ago....
.... We had that conversation. The one where I told Mike that I wasn't going travelling for a year anymore, and he told me that he wanted to be with me even if I was! :)

The year that followed has been amazing, eye-opening, laughter filled, emotional, full of joy, love and honesty. We survived 60 days apart whilst I went travelling and have pretty much seen each other the vast majority of the 305 remaining days!
In just under 3 months time, I get to marry my best friend and have tons more years filled with the same. It's going to be an interesting journey I know and it won't be easy but I have no doubt we can do it. I can't wait now!

God is GOOD, his timing is quite often surprising but always perfect! His LOVE will never fail!

Looking forward to the next 25,550 (or a few more or less) days!

Mike, I Love You - Always.

Things to be Thankful For... Travelling Special :)

 Well, It has been over a week since my return to the UK. My photos are sorted into albums on my computer, my tan is fading, my summer clothes are washed and put away, my bank account is empty, I am well and truly back on British time and my raincoat is getting a workout! On more happy notes I am HOME and back to Mike and marrying him in 4 months!!! (So a bit more excited to be back than your average traveller :P )
I'm sad it's over but my trip was EXACTLY what I always wanted it to be! I have an unbelievable amount of things to be thankful for about my trip. Let me try and share as many of them as possible with you - the big things and the tiny little things.

• I may have gone travelling on my own but I definitely wasn't really alone! God walked every little step with me, he even went before me and showed me the way for a lot of it. I was half a world away from all the people I love but I could never be too far away for him to be there. Thank you God for being my comfort and guide in new and strange places, my home away from home, my strength, my joy and my story wherever I went! Thank you for sharing this great experience with me, for enjoying my enjoyment and showing me more of your beautiful creation. For hearing my prayers spoken in times of laughter and times of tears, for answering those prayers and for taking me a little bit further on my journey.

• I had very high expectations of New Zealand, and it completely blew them out the water and was even better that I ever imagined! New Zealand is by far the most STUNNING, friendly, diverse, clean, safe, welcoming country I have ever been too and I think you should all go there (though not at once cause you'll ruin it lol!)!

• The trip went off without one technical hitch! I didn't lose my passport, or my money, or my phone, or have anything stolen, or miss any transport, or get lost, or run out of money, or break anything........ or fall in a volcano, off a glacier, into hot mud, or over in an earthquake! None of my flights were delayed and I had no major turbulance. I didn't get too sunburnt, or sick, or devastatingly homesick (I was very homesick at times but it didn't ruin anything). The worst I got were bad blisters, a scraped knee, jet-lag, a little bit of sunburn and two colds! All in all God kept me safe and I am very thankful!

• I lost track of the amount of blessings, answers to prayer and miraculous circumstances I had. Tons of circumstances that just shouldn't have happened so easily. Miraculous early check-ins allowed, aisle seats next to empty seats on planes, money going further than it should have, loads of small-world moments, unexpected free meals and drinks, out of the blue 'deep and meaningfuls', immaculate weather in places where it always rains, countless 4-bed dorms for the price of 8-bed dorms or lower, whale watching of a standard that even the guides were stunned. And SO many more! Not to mention the miraculous recovery of a guy on our bus who by all means should be dead but all he's lost is the memory of 3 days! (For the full story read here!) Wow!

•  I have now... seen active volcanos (even climbed one!!), walked on a glacier, been whale watching, gone travelling, visited New Zealand, visited Australia, had a Wagga Christmas and been in Sydney for New Years Eve. That's 8 things off my Life To-Do List - not bad!!

• The wonders of the internet and Skype in particular! Being away from Mike for 2 months without such technology would have been a lot harder (and it was hard enough as it was!). Through the wonder that is Skype we were able to have regular face to face conversations so clear it was like we were in the same room! In fact it was so easy to talk this way (we had no idea how we'd find it before I left) we often accidentally filled the whole time available with banter rather than talking about all the things I'd been doing! lol! :) Even more of a blessing was the fact that in 2 months worth of skype dates there was only one with real technical difficulties such as insanely slow internet! Miracle!

• Spending time over Christmas with lovely Family who went above and beyond to make me feel at home. Their generosity blew me away and getting to know them all a lot better and sharing their lives and homes for a while was absolutely lovely and a huge blessing! Hope to see you all again soon :)

• That through my powers of organisation and through some very helpful advice from a friend over 18 months ago (thanks Tom!), I easily avoided having to stay in any scabby hostels! Not one! Am very thankful for YHA hostels and lovely little independents, the fact that I bought YHA membership 5 months ago for only £10 and the fact that the membership and bulk-bed vouchers got me $25 - 4 bed dorm rooms in some hostels where the price should have been $35 for 8 bed rooms! Saved me a fortune! Plus YHA hostels are lovely, clean, friendly, have amazing kitchens, are organised and extremely eco-conscious and are full of everyone from young families to pensioners, all whilst still each having their own personal character! Before I started this trip I had no idea how hostels worked and had only heard the horror stories. I am so thankful that in 2 months I have no horror stories to tell you, only lots of good advice to share and lots of lovely memories. :)

• I'm so thankful for all the photography opportunities and fun I had taking them, some of them even came out quite well (maybe there is a little bit more of my Dad's talents rubbed off on me than I thought). But honestly, God provided the scenery and the camera did the hard work, I just pointed it in the right direction! For my beautiful little Camera - you are amazing! Thank you for taking my 3 1/2 THOUSAND holiday photos so beautifully and without any fuss - you did a great job! Thank you for having a stunning Macro setting and anti-shake technology, for being so small and for eating your way through batteries surprisingly slowly for such a lot of use (Box of 20 batteries lasted the whole 9 weeks - impressive!)! Oh little camera I couldn't have done it without you! I shall be giving you a break for a while now, you deserve a holiday... at least until the next good sunset anyway :P

• For my Michael! (If you don't like soppy love stuff then you may want to skip this point or get a sick bag :P ) He waited for me, supported me, encouraged me, got up insanely early countless times to Skype me when he HATE'S mornings,  bought me surprise phone credit, text me back in the middle of the night and loved me just as much over the 11680 miles space between us as he does standing right next to me! I so thankful for him in all his wonderfulness! I am even thankful for our time apart, for how well we pulled it off, for what a blessed time it was for both of us, and even though I didn't think it possible I Love him more now than before I left :)

• That massive, heavy objects like Boeing 747's can make it off the ground and fly insanely high and insanely fast all the way to the other side of the world in just one day - Amazing! I am also thankful for in-flight entertainment. A 28 hour flight home, not being able to sleep, would have been a lot more terrible if not for the 6 movies, numerous tv shows and music I was entertained with! I am even thankful for airplane meals - mad I know! On long haul flights they're really not that bad, even quite nice. And they give you a lot of food (5 meals on my flight home!).

• I ate A LOT of holiday ice-cream and still managed to get back to England a little skinnier than when I left lol! It must have been all that hiking :P

• I'm thankful for all the time I spent watching sunsets and sunrises, hunting for seashells, walking along beaches and getting my feet wet, reading books, exploring places and towns with no hurry to be anywhere at any particular time, meeting new people. For lots of lazy afternoons in the sun - ah who am I kidding - lazy days, small world moments, the fact that 'one scoop' in New Zealand really means an ice-cream the size of 3 scoops, actually enjoying reading my bible, individual reading lights in hostels, the feeling of bare feet on grass, canned meals that actually taste quite good, free kayaking, free BBQ's, insanely beautiful hostel locations, 'free food' shelves in hostel kitchens, the lovely sound of flip flops! And so many more little things I can't remember them all!

• Hostel book exchanges - brilliant idea! This meant that 14 of the 15 books I read on holiday were free and more than half of them were actually quite good! I even read 'The Hobbit' half way round New Zealand :P

• For having a great sense of direction, a photographic memory and good map reading skills! Without even using a map the majority of the time I managed to explore cities and never once get lost or even worry about it!

• Last, but definitely not least, I am thankful for how things are now, for how I feel now I'm home, for what I learnt whilst away, for things I improved at, for problems I overcame, for passions re-ignited, for new passions discovered, for the break I had, for feeling more relaxed and more motivated all at the same time, for knowing more about myself and actually quite liking who that person is, for feeling more prepared for what is to come both known and unknown, and for standing firmer than ever before in the knowledge that EVERY LITTLE THING is in HIS HANDS and life is going to be brilliant! 

2010

I have never been one to hugely celebrate New Year, after all it's just another day in 365. But this afternoon (whilst stood on Palm Beach, on the north shore of Sydney, with my ankles in the ocean, soaking up the sun - as you do! :P) it has just really hit me, that the past year, the glorious 2010, has by far been the best, most beautiful, most unexpected, most God-led year of my life! And even better, this time last year I had no idea it would even be vaguely significant!

This year I met Mike, found a best friend, found the other half of me, fell in Love, got engaged and planned a wedding! All with more of a sense of God working in something than anything I have ever previously experienced. I could never have planned this, his timing is perfect and in the midst of all my imperfectness and human frailty and inconsistency, this is PERFECT for me, for us, and all planned by HIM - perfect!!! :)

As if that wasn't enough, this year I have also...

Started my own life, independant from family, after uni, living in Bath.
Handled all my own finances
Learnt to cry
Beaten addictions
Had a depression free year
Become more and more happy with being ME
Lost approx 2 stone
Got really good at saving money
Started songwriting again
Learnt lots of new life and work skills
Quit a job I hated
Learnt some HUGE God lessons
Made new friends and become a lot closer to old ones
Become more comfortable with my weaknesses and more confidant at starting to tackle them
Travelled half way around the world, on my own, funded by myself.
Found beautiful, spirit-filled, people in really unexpected places (thank you Bryan!)

So all in all this New Year has to be noted for me because 2010 has been absolutely HUGE!

So tonight I will watch the fireworks and all the people celebrating and be abudantly thankful for all I have been blessed with, even for all the difficult years leading upto this year, for I would be half the woman I am today without them!

I really pray that I can continue to be this thankful and aware of the blessings I have even when the years aren't all that nice! I pray for wisdom and peace in those times, and overall a continued abundance of Love and Hope whatever may come. All praise to you God for your perfect timing, your patience, your grace and your Love. May I never forget it!

Happy New Year Everyone!
I'm getting married in 2011 - I think that maybe enough to make this coming year FANTASTIC! :) :) :)

Mike - I Love You, beyond words, always! :)

Photo Via: http://www.sacbee.com/static/weblogs/photos/2009/01/018235.html

Things to be thankful for...

Have come home from work early feeling ill, hormonal, in pain,very tired, and needlessly quite low.
A thankful list is definitely what is needed right now, It has been waaaayyyy too long!

Things to be thankful for...

• Mike asking me to MARRY HIM...... and for me saying YES! (full story to follow on the blog eventually)
• Having a God who hears prayers and answers.
• Learning to spend time seeking God on my own and with Mike - very precious times!
• Emotion - strange I know, but after years of not being very good at expressing any and keeping it bottled, I am very glad and thankful for feeling them all and being more capable of deciphering them. Especially thankful for being able to cry and that being ok :D
• Coming home to a bedroom that is toasty warm and very conducive to relaxing and feeling a bit better.
• Bryan - the homeless 'Big Issue' seller from outside my shop. He greets me with a smile several times a day, keeps us all very entertained with his utterly brilliant sales pitch (He's top of the Bath Big Issue selling league - yes there is such a thing lol!). For his positivity, his work ethic, his honesty, his friendliness, his hope, that is teaching me humility and to see God working in unlikely circumstances and very brief conversations.
• The ever changing sky, the fact that sunset happens every day and I very often get to see it and get my breath taken away!
• A new work playlist consisting of songs that I actually like and want to sing along to!
• A never ending supply of hugs :)
• Cafe Nero, Mochas with cream, and nice Cafe Nero employees who give me extra stamps on my loyalty card so I get a free drink more often!
• A new Brooke Fraser album - Big Whoop!!! Check out this beauty...

• Only approx 6 weeks left in this 'oh so wonderful' Job!! :D
• Only approx 7 weeks left till my travelling adventure!!
• Planning genius creative plans (Can't say anymore right now as I'm planning surprises for a certain amazing person but these may find their way to the blog sometime in the future :P )
• For being able to buy wedding magazines and web-surf to my hearts content and not feel like I'm being naughty and jumping the gun. It's allowed cause I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!! :D
• Finding a new beautiful song that  inspires me and is re-teaching me to worship God...

• Cooking a yummy toad-in-the-hole from scratch that actually rose and tasted lovely!
• Sharing with friends what we were thankful to God for and massacring a toffee cake with a load of multi coloured candles and melted wax in the process - indoor fireworks!
• All my lovely friends and family who got excited with us about our engagement and sent lovely cards and messages of love ,support and prayer and very exciting homemade presents - yes especially you Leah and Sarah with your hilarious edited and personalised wedding magazines - you will be brilliant and beautiful bridesmaids! :)
• Wedding planning getting off to a relatively easy start! (lots more of this to share with you in future posts!)
• Having hair long enough to curl over my shoulder in a pony tail.
• It getting cold enough for me to break out my rather large collection of beautiful scarves :)
• Having somewhere to live until the wedding.
• Continuing financial miracles.
• Being loved by a God who loves my vulnerability and it being ok to be slightly scared and not have all the answers in life! He will walk with me every step of the way.
• Mike in all his perfectness - I'm not saying he's perfect, neither am I - but we are PERFECT FOR EACHOTHER! Thank you for loving me :)

Sometimes it's the simple little things...

I LOVE...

• Absolutely anything Peacock Blue - it makes me VERY happy! (Photo by my friend Naomi Bennett)
• Singing along to music in the car - especially with other people harmonising. Actually Harmonies and Singing in general - anytime anywhere!
• Sunsets and Sunrises. Sunrises are more effort to see and therefore more beautiful - trust me they're worth it :)

• Lush vocal arrangements (The only reason I like GLEE - I promise :P)
• The seaside in summer
• The seaside in winter
• The seaside at dawn
• The seaside at sunset
• Stargazing in the country - no light pollution = brilliant!!
• Weddings, especially the speeches and watching the Groom during the entrance of the bride - loveliness!
• Waking up and realising I have more time to sleep (I set 2 alarms half an hour apart every morning for this reason - mad I know!)
• 'It's a small world' moments.
• Hearing peoples stories/testimonies
• Photography - I'm not great at it but I do LOVE photos in general!
• A great melody that stays in your head for days
• Hearing someone humming something that you know they sub-conciously picked up from you days earlier :)
• Cheesy disaster movies - I will explain why sometime!
• Milk to drink, avacados to eat! (Not necessarily at the same time!)
• Converse trainers! Oh so many beautiful colours! I own 4 pairs - oops :P

(Photo from... http://fc01.deviantart.net/fs20/f/2007/248/6/f/Converse_Art_by_Aufrah.jpg)

• Having time to blog! (even though right now I should be sleeping! lol)
• Walking around barefoot - especially on grass or sand!
• God's timing, God's sense of humour :)
• Driving under rainbows.
• The smell just before/after it's rained.
• Thunderstorms in the summer - gotta love a good bit of thunder and lighting!!
• The Psalms and their author David. A whole biblical book full of songs and wonderful lyrics that quite often put the prayers I need to pray into words for me :)
• Lying in bed when it's pouring with rain outside!
• Eating ice (Weird I know lol) - the crushed stuff is the best (best thing about Nandos is that you get free re-fills with crushed ice on tap hehehe!)
• Writing lists - only recently discovered this one in my boredom at work. Lots more list blog posts coming up I feel :)
• Film music. Linked to my favourite video on YouTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lk5_OSsawz4
• Quoting funny lines from films with my sisters - especially Shrek, Ice Age, Finding Nemo etc
• Disney - I won't deny it any longer, this is my childhood, Hercules is the best!
• Solo Piano music to work to. Anything by Ludovico Einaudi or on Whisperings Solo Piano Radio.
• Making Mix CDs for people I love :)
• How holding his hand is enough to make my day!
• His smile, his honesty, his integrity, his faith, his passion, his hugs, his bad jokes - Him in general :)
• Romans 8 v 31-39, Isaiah 43 v 1-4

That's all I can bring to mind right now, pretty sure this could flow into a second blog post sometime down the line. I love being thankful for all this stuff and realising how much of it there is :)

Travelling Plans and Lessons Learned.

29th July, in 3 weeks time, is the date that I was originally going to be leaving on my epic year of working/travelling. As you may have gathered I am now not doing this... I couldn't really be more relieved to be honest!
It definitely wasn't the right thing for me to be doing. I have never felt more peace about a decision ever than the moment I decided to change all my plans. All I have ever really wanted to do is travel and explore the stunningly beautiful New Zealand, and visit my lovely Ozzie family and hang there for a little while. The real reason I turned this into an epic year or two long working holiday trip is because...

A) I was sort of running away. Finishing my degree, having had a rough couple of years dealing with all sorts of stuff in my life I now realise I got a bit scared! Scared of not having a plan, of not knowing what I was going to do, of being stuck in a job that I had no passion or love for, for life! I turned my desire to see a bit of the world and have a little adventure into something epic that (in my mind) had the potential to change my life by it's sheer length of time and epic-ness!
I still have no idea of a precise plan for life, or no idea of how it's all going to work out but I am unbelievably ok with that. After all I am not in control and I may not have a plan but I know the one who know's it all has has good plans for my life (Thank You God!).
B) I was in a bit of a rush and started to worry about money I figured the only way I was going to be able to afford to do all I wanted to do and not have to wait and save up for years before doing it was to turn it into a working holiday. This was never really what I wanted to do! Turns out with my new plans I am going to have more than enough by saving a 3rd of what I was originally trying to save every month - awesome!

'SO WHAT'S THE NEW PLAN?' I hear you say.

Well.... On the 9th of December I leave England for 2 months, yes only 2 months - full of all the things that I really wanted to do in the first place!

• 3 and a half weeks in Australia - a week in sydney with the lovely cousins Tim and Sophie, a long weekend exploring Melbourne, Christmas with Uncle Dubs and Auntie Rachel, Tim, Sophie and Ned in Wagga Wagga, back to Sydney for New Year (AWESOME!!!), then flying to Auckland on the 2nd january.

• 5 and a half weeks exploring both Islands of New Zealand on a Kiwi Explorer Bus Pass. Sailing, kyaking, sky-diving, mountain walking, sunrise/sunset watching etc etc

• Returning home to England on February the 8th!  Home.... home to Mike, home to Bath, home to Freedom. I am going to have an amazing time, I am very excited but after 2 months I am coming home, home to here where I am meant to be :)

Lessons I have learned...

• Having extreme peace about a decision is pretty much a sign you are probably making the right one.
• Life should not be governed by worrying about money. I will always have enough, my God is my provider :)
• I want to go away to explore and have a long holiday, to see beautiful places and visit beautiful family. But right now I am supposed to be here and I simply can't leave it for as long as I was going to.
• Not having your life planned out or knowing how it's going to work is ok.... actually it's quite freeing to realise this :)
• I love my life!

I definitely do not wish that I hadn't planned that epic trip, I don't wish that I hadn't lost a bit of money in the process of changing my plans, I don't wish that I hadn't gone through this process. I have grown so much in these last few months, I wouldn't change that for the world.

So here's to looking forward to December the 9th but also here's to enjoying every moment of my life before and after this trip. :)

The Best Thing That Could Be Happening

The Best Thing - Relient K (Capitol USA (new release) (P) 2007 Capitol Records, Inc.. All rights reserved)

This song just about sums it all up right now, If I could write how this feels it would go something like this...

Please note: Mike and I are trying to ban the word cheesy from our vocabulary (at least all it's negative connotations), so what if it's been said or done before or it's a cliche, sometimes it just needs to be said or done :)

It's been a year
Filled with problems
But now you're here
Almost as if to solve them
And I can't live in a world without you now
All my life
I've been searching for you
How did I survive
In this world before you
Cause I don't wanna live another day without you now

This is the best thing
The best thing that could be happening
And I think you would agree
The best thing is that it's
Happening to you and me

All I'm gonna have
Is all that you can give me
And I'll give right back
Everything I have in me
Cause nothing ever felt as right
As this does right now
I'll go back to before we met
Try and erase the past
Try harder to forget cause
Nothing will ever be as good as here and now

Cause when I looked into your eyes
And you dared to stare right back
You should've said "Nice to meet you, I'm your other half"

And this is the best thing
The best thing that could be happening
And I think you would agree
The best thing is that it's happening
Happening to you and me

Always knew
I'd find someone
I never dreamt
It'd be like this
You've surpassed
All that I've hoped for and ever wished
And I'm tryin'
So hard
With all my heart and mind
To make your life
As good as you've made mine

This is the best thing
The best thing that could be happening
And I think you would agree
The best thing is that it's happening to you and me

The best thing is that it's happening to you and me
The best thing is that it's happening to you and me

There Are No Words...

I have nothing more to say right now other thats it's been an amazing week! Bring on more and more...... and more...... and more........ :)

Photo found: http://fc00.deviantart.net/fs13/f/2007/063/5/e/Heart_Cloud_2_by_HalitYesil.jpg

Massive List of Things to be Thankful For!

I am back to the world of blogging - oh yes I am! So sorry it's been an age and my life has changed a significant amount since I was last here. So much in fact I think I will have to update you a little at a time. Am going to start by sharing some lovely things :)

I am incredibly and wonderfully THANKFUL for......

• Becoming more and more aware that I am where I am supposed to be in the world for such a time as this! Bath is HOME this has never been more clear to me, a home I have made for myself, a place I miss if I am away for more than a few days, full of people that I love, an incredible church, wonderful friends! Thank You God that my degree brought me to this wonderful place where you clearly wanted me to be :)
• My two beautiful sisters! It's amazing how living apart has made us so much closer, I love catching up with you and sharing life with you, you make me laugh so much and bring me tons of joy - Thank You!

• Right now I am holding the hand of someone very special and wonderful and lovely. That's all I'm going to say about him for now :)
• Significantly changing lots of my travel plans (will update you all on this when I get more of a moment with the internet) hasn't cost me half as much money as I feared, in fact I have hardly lost anything and gained a whole lot - financial miracle whoop whoop! (these financial blessings seem to follow me around a bit - Thank you God that you are bigger than money - YOU OWN ALL THE DOUGHNUTS!! lol!)
• I really intensely dislike my job right now but I am incredibly thankful that at least I have one. It is allowing me to live in Bath and save for some wonderful things. I also work with nice people and we have a great laugh quite frequently. The things (i.e. cards) we sell in my shop also make people laugh and smile a lot - and that's nice :) (Must....try.....and.....find....the...good.....in......bad....situations......more!)
• Cous cous salads with lots of yummy veg for packed lunches! Very very yummy, cheap and something to look forward to in a long work day.
• Smiling - it's underrated, stress relieving, joy bringing, truth speaking and heart revealing - lets do it more!
• Walks in the park in the evening sun.
• Movie nights... lots and lots of movie nights.
• I had a steak for the first time in my life! YES Shocking I know lol! It was nice but not life changing I'm afraid though. Coincidentally (I am sure) my life does seem to have changed ever since I had that steak......... hmmmm interesting lol!
• For discovering that weird doesn't mean bad. I am very weird(i.e. amazing) but I am an original and I'm happy with that. 

'Today you are you that is truer than true, there is no-one alive that is youer than you!' 

- Dr Suess

• Finding more time to start songwriting again and enjoying it :) Watch this space...
• Finding lots of lovely free downloadable fonts on the web (www.dafont.com), and getting lots of ideas for lovely creative projects to use them in funfunfun! :)
• Two more friends weddings are coming up soon -  I Love Weddings!
• Wispa bars - Thank you Cadbury for bringing these back!
• Two of my cousins are having babies!! Let the next generation begin!
• Amazing friends
• Lovely family
• Knowing more and more that I am not in control and I don't know where my life may lead but that that is OK! Feeling strangely free because of this revelation, literally Thanking God for being in the driving seat!
• Peace, freedom, grace, breakthough, love, music, passion, friendship and cheese and marmite sandwiches!!!

That's all for now. Will post more soon :)

Thankful

It is so easy to moan and find fault and I often go the whole day and sometimes a whole week and realise that I have moaned about so much and been thankful for so little! So here I go... here is a list as big as I can bring to mind at this very moment - hopefully this will help me start to counteract all that is in me that is ungrateful, selfish, self-centered, negative, stressed, worried and critical.

* I am loved unconditionally and perfectly by my maker. Continuously forgiven for all my stupid mistakes and inconsistencies, saved by Grace and living in Freedom. I am on the path to knowing life in all it's fullness and I know the Author of truth, light, hope and love. I will never understand or comprehend it all fully but the beauty is that I don't have to, this goes beyond any form of earthly logic or law and I don't have to worry for I am safe in the arms of the one who knows exactly how I work, think and feel and still loves me!

* I have a flippin' awesome church where I love being rooted, connected and part of building the Kingdom surrounded by the wisest, kindest, most inspiring and passionate people I know; people I am honoured to call my friends. 'Freedom Bath & Bristol' has done so much for me over the past 3 and a half years, they have helped me with spiritual and emotional breakthroughs, taught me how to cry, stood with me when it seemed like all around me was falling, celebrated with me when God made a way and provided answers to prayer, encouraged me, raised me up to use my giftings more confidently for the house, laughed with me on numerous occasions, taught me to have fun and enjoy this life as we live it all together whatever that life may bring our way!

* I have been blessed with a job with a paygrade and responsibility that I never expected for this season of my life. It is earning me enough to be living in the city I have grown to love and with the people I love, and enough to be paying for my fast approaching adventure! It is not always easy or fun but it is pushing me, shaping me and giving me skills that I'm sure in the future will help open doors!

* I have a home in Bath with an absolutely Gorgeous Family (Big up the Jones Family!). They have blessed me so much with their 'food-included' rent, home cooked meals, unlimited washing machine use, dinner time banter, family life (cat included!), a beautiful bedroom, big words of wisdom, prayer and love! Choosing to live in Bath would not have been possible without these guys!

* I have parents that have always been supportive of my dreams and passions, built me up, trusted me and rejoiced with me. In my newly independent 'left-home' situation they are always only a phonecall away and available for a catch up chat. I am so blessed to have parents that know God and therefore sort of understand where I am at and when I need prayer. I have two beautiful, talented little sisters that I adore and are always prepared with funny film quote banter when I need cheering up. We are so different yet so similar and I LOVE it! I also have an amazing wider family and I love the banter between me and my many many cousins! Whoop whoop for family!

* I have brilliant friends, both in Bath and further afield. People who I love spending time with through good times and bad who put up with my annoying habits and are always there to support me. We're are not blood related but we are family just the same!

* I am so thankful for the gift of music and for living in a world full of it! Music helps me convey my emotions and passion and joy in a way that I couldn't express otherwise!

* I have just bought a beautiful new camera and it will be arriving later this week!!! I love photography and I can't wait to get super creative with my photos! This was also a financial miracle as on Amazon this camera was £85 cheaper than it's RRP! A beautiful camera and a bargain - whoop whoop!!

* I am thankful for Porridge breakfasts! Breakfast is by far my favourite meal of the day but my recent discovery of porridge has taken this to a whole other level!

* I am thankful for and am loving the fact that I have lost a stone in weight!!!! OH YES!!! Only 2 more to go!

* I am thankful that I live in this modern tech-loving age, how did people survive without the internet!? I know and agree that technology hasn't always been for the better and in lots of ways has ruined our relationship and communication skills. But just the sheer fact that I can post this message and it can be viewed by people all over the world and how much smaller the world is with this tech simply astounds me - I am in awe!

* I am extremely thankful for consistent re-runs of friends on TV. There is nothing like relaxing after a long day at work in front of something that you really don't have to think about. I know it's a bit trashy and americanised but it makes me laugh and I am not ashamed lol!

* I am thankful that I am me, I am an original and I fit right here, right now exactly where I am supposed to be. I am full of hope and anticipation for the things ahead and excited to see what may come out of this little life of mine, and all of this because of the freedom I know in him - Thank You JESUS!

I am thankful for many many many more little things that fill my life, too many to mention. But it has worked, even writing these few things down I am already feeling a lot better. This little list is already a lot longer than the list of things I was moaning/feeling negative about before! Thank You God for everything!!

A Little Revelation!

I had a very weird scenario today that a few months ago I would have thought impossible...

Between finishing my degree in June and starting my current job in November I was unemployed and very skint. I had a job interview around once a fortnight and even though they all went extremely well I was never successful in being given the position. Once such job was a 'Retail Assistant' job in a brand new, huge New Look in the same shopping centre I now work in. Not the greatest job in the world I hear you say but I was very qualified, flexible with all the hours they wanted, had a brilliant interview, they said they loved me, and to be honest the idea of 50% staff discount was very exciting. I didn't get the job even though they were offering 80 positions in this new store! I was gutted!

Today I sat in a meeting for Management for the whole of SouthGate shopping centre representing my store (there were only around 15 people who had been invited to this meeting) and guess who I was sat next to for the whole meeting...... The Manager of New Look! The very same guy who'd interviewed me and then not given me the job! I don't think he recognises me (after all they interviewed hundreds of people) but I couldn't help feeling that God clearly had had much better things in store for me than I thought possible for myself! Now I am the acting manager of a store when only 3 months earlier I was turned down for a much lower job! Amazing!
I have to say I was surprisingly comfortable sitting there discussing possible marketing opportunities and store turnovers! It just goes to show that you never know what's around the corner on this very wiggley journey through life and to be honest I quite enjoyed being surprised by this one. Thank You God that you are in the driving seat!

Today I Am Thankful For...

* A relaxed sunday day off - so often my sundays are so full of things I am involved with at church that they are not the most chilled of days off. Don't get me wrong I love all the things that I do on sundays but it was really nice to chill for most of today. I now feel much more ready for the 5 working days ahead of me.

* Hot oat baths with candles and body shop lovely yummy mango toiletries whist watching a movie on the Mac :)

* Rediscovering a love for Cheese and Marmalade sandwiches! I know this is weird but you've got to try it! It's at its best with homemade marmalade which I just received a jar of from my lovely mum - Thank You Mum!

* My blueberry muffin candle - mmmmmmm smells delicious.

* Experimental stirfrys - prawn, sweet red pepper, onion, broccoli, chilli flakes, garlic, soy sauce and noodles! Its was SCRUMMY!

* That there wasn't even a threat of rain so I could walk without having to carry an umbrella YAY!

* Re-discovering my favorite song of all time - Dare You To Move by Switchfoot


Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next?
What happens next?

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
The tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before

Switchfoot Dare You To Move (c) (C) 2004 SONY BMG MUSIC ENTERTAINMENT

* Making plans for a fun-filled week...
Monday night - dinner, wine, and movie (the usual!) with the absolutely lovely amazing Sarah Cooper - nights in with Scoop are the best :)
Tuesday night - night in sorting and organising my life (strangely looking forward to this!)
Wednesday evening - going to see Avatar 3d - I have heard GREAT things!!
Thursday evening - D Group, LOVE IT!
Friday evening - travelling back to Bournemouth for the weekend
Saturday - Greg and Eva's Wedding! I LOVE Weddings! Also really looking forward to seeing all my lovely Bournemouth friends - it's been a while!

* I get paid tomorrow (first time in 6 weeks!) so am paying for my OZ/NZ flights!!!!!!

* I am especially thankful for realising today that I like myself a little bit more than I used to and there is a vast improvement on how I felt about myself this time last year, It's all good! Thank You God!